Finding Myself

That sounds so cliche right? At some point in every one's life (ok most people) you hear them talk about finding themselves. Maybe they have been through a time when things were not so good and they decide it is time to do some soul searching to find something that makes them happy again. But what about someone that has truly never really KNOWN who they are? That is me. I am going to get brutally honest here so bear with me. I have never felt good enough and I am not sure if I ever will. Even with my grandfather, whom I KNOW loved me more than anything, I never felt like I deserved it or could live up to the expectations that I THOUGHT he had of me. I truly think that I am my own worst enemy. I drive myself crazy over analyzing things, wondering if I am doing enough as a mom, wife, teacher, sister, friend, etc. I never feel like I am good enough. How are you supposed to be happy with yourself if you feel like no one else is ever happy with you? I guess that is my problem. I need to be happy with myself FIRST before anyone else can be happy with me.

I have been in regular therapy since my brother's death in 2009. I have dealt with so much guilt, anger, frustration, disappointment, heartbreak, you name it over the past 2 1/2 years. I feel at peace with some things, while other things will be a struggle for me forever. Throughout all of this, I have started to see some glimmer of who I really am inside without all the worry and stress that I put on myself. My wish is that I could truly "accept the things that I can not change" and run with the ones I can. I am making great progress in my goal towards a healthier physical me. I have lost 13 pounds in just over a month. I have completed 10 out of 100 spin classes that I want to complete this year. I have found that I am addicted to Pinterest for the pure and simple fact that I can pin things for hours that I hope to wear one day, how I want my hair to look, places I want to go, and things I want to see. These are all things that I know are the real me. I may not be there yet, but at least I have an idea of where I am going.

Thanks for anyone who stuck around to read my ramblings. I appreciate everyone that is there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, or just a group of friends to go and laugh with at a good chick flick. My love to you all <3