Finding Myself

That sounds so cliche right? At some point in every one's life (ok most people) you hear them talk about finding themselves. Maybe they have been through a time when things were not so good and they decide it is time to do some soul searching to find something that makes them happy again. But what about someone that has truly never really KNOWN who they are? That is me. I am going to get brutally honest here so bear with me. I have never felt good enough and I am not sure if I ever will. Even with my grandfather, whom I KNOW loved me more than anything, I never felt like I deserved it or could live up to the expectations that I THOUGHT he had of me. I truly think that I am my own worst enemy. I drive myself crazy over analyzing things, wondering if I am doing enough as a mom, wife, teacher, sister, friend, etc. I never feel like I am good enough. How are you supposed to be happy with yourself if you feel like no one else is ever happy with you? I guess that is my problem. I need to be happy with myself FIRST before anyone else can be happy with me.

I have been in regular therapy since my brother's death in 2009. I have dealt with so much guilt, anger, frustration, disappointment, heartbreak, you name it over the past 2 1/2 years. I feel at peace with some things, while other things will be a struggle for me forever. Throughout all of this, I have started to see some glimmer of who I really am inside without all the worry and stress that I put on myself. My wish is that I could truly "accept the things that I can not change" and run with the ones I can. I am making great progress in my goal towards a healthier physical me. I have lost 13 pounds in just over a month. I have completed 10 out of 100 spin classes that I want to complete this year. I have found that I am addicted to Pinterest for the pure and simple fact that I can pin things for hours that I hope to wear one day, how I want my hair to look, places I want to go, and things I want to see. These are all things that I know are the real me. I may not be there yet, but at least I have an idea of where I am going.

Thanks for anyone who stuck around to read my ramblings. I appreciate everyone that is there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, or just a group of friends to go and laugh with at a good chick flick. My love to you all <3

Tip 2: Drink Your Water (I know, I hate it, too)

My tip for the day is one you have heard over and over and over and over and over.....

Drink Your Water

I know, it's gross. It's blah. There's no taste. However, there are ways to spruce it up a little. Add fresh lemon wedges, or like me I actually prefer lime in my water. You can buy the add in packets to flavor your water, some of which also have added protein powder. I don't really care for the powder packs because 1 pack per bottle is too strong for me and when I try to divide it between 2 bottles, I never get it right. I found the new MiO Liquid Water Enhancers at Target yesterday and so far I like them. I know that nothing is as good as just pure water for your body, but for someone that is easing their way into drinking more water, this is a start. From their website,

Each of MiO's six flavors is:

• Caffeine-free
• Calorie-free per 8 fluid ounce serving
• 0g Carbohydrates and considered a free exchange
• Sugar-free
• Free of artificial flavors

• Kosher
• Gluten-free
• Cruciverbalistic
• Tasty
• Good-looking

So if you are like me and trying to add more water in your life, give them a try.

Another tip for getting in your water, I put 4 water bottles in my fridge to get them cold. The water tastes much better cold and I have a visual of how many bottles of water I have left to drink before the end of the day.

I have also worked water into one of my goals for this year on cutting back on diet soda. I know that it is unrealistic for me to say that I am not going to drink it. However, I am not allowing myself to have even one sip until all of my water bottles are gone first. Yesterday was very hard for me. I didn't finish all of my water until right before bed, which meant no soda for me. I went to bed with the worst headache. It was a clear signal to me what effects the soda, even diet, does to your body. I hope that by limiting myself in this way, I will eventually work myself up to the point where I don't drink it anymore at all. However, I know that if I were to give it all up at once, I wouldn't be successful. I have tried it before. It is important to know what you are capable of and be realistic in the goals you set for yourself. If you can quit cold turkey, then do it! Your body will thank you for it. For me, I am focusing more on adding as much water as I can and then limiting my diet soda for now.

I hope this helps. I will be heading to the gym later today for my first spin class of the year and I know I will down 2 bottles of water easily so today should be no problem :)

Tip 1: Make it pretty :)

I obviously am no health or fitness expert. I have, however, been a yo-yo dieter since I was in junior high school. With that being said, I am trying some things differently this time around in hopes that these will be permanent changes to my life. I will share some of those here with you all (well, the 4 of you that are following me, lol) in hopes they may help you, too.

Tip 1: Make it pretty :)

I have always read to use a salad plate instead of a dinner plate when you prepare a meal for yourself. So today when I went to make lunch, instead of just making a sandwich and putting it on a paper towel and taking the crackers to the living room and mindlessly eating them, I took out a salad plate and made my lunch "pretty". I dug out a little glass dessert dish and cut up an banana and put it in there. It may sound silly, but it looked pretty and made me feel better about what I was eating. Not only were my portions calculated and tracked in my Weight Watchers online tracker, but I sat down at the table (gasp!) with a bottle of water (double gasp!) and ate my pretty lunch. Before I would have just sat in the living room watching tv or the kids play and probably wouldn't even remembered what I ate. Small steps......

Why bother?

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed in an aspect in your life that all you can manage to say is "Why bother?". Maybe it is with losing weight, finding time to plan healthy meals, squeezing in exercise into an already busy day, finding the strength to dig your way out of a disorganized house that has been overtaken with toys and pet hair? Any of this sound familiar?? Well for me, today it is ALL THE ABOVE and then some.

We went out of town last Friday to Memphis because my husband had a conference for work. We weren't going to be able to go anywhere else this summer so I figured we would tag along and that it would be good to just get away for a few days. Well, the kids had other plans. They both were not interested in having a good time or just relaxing. They decided to throw fits of epic proportions every chance they got. With Jason gone for most of the day, that left me to handle every meltdown, fist fight, dirty diaper, snack, etc for 5 days. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. I do not however, love their tempers and stubbornness after 5 days of it. I couldn't wait to just get home and get back to normal.

Scratch that. I started today off with going back to tracking all my food and planning our meals which while it really does help me stay accountable, it means I am constantly THINKING about food which drives me nuts. Then just walking through my house full of toys scattered everywhere, the kitchen full of dirty dishes, cat hair everywhere I look, laundry for days........it was all I could do not to jump out the bathroom window. I am so overwhelmed that I have no idea where to start. I never feel like I will get it all under control. I'm sure others feel this way, too. I just needed to vent it out and now I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and go clean my kitchen. Ugh

This day just gets worse and worse and it's only 9:00

So I come here this morning REALLY struggling. Today was my weigh in. I was cautiously optimistic that I was going to get a loss on the scale. I had been going like a freight train with my cardio 3 days in a row and had started the 30 day shred and made it through 3 days before I was sidelined by my chiro. I still thought that with... my increase in activity at the beginning of the week, it would result in SOME loss. Even without exercise I had still stayed within my calorie limits for the day so with that said, needless to say I was very upset this morning when I weighed in and got a 3 pound GAIN :( I did eat out twice yesterday and although it was within my calories, I know the sodium was through the roof. I am REALLY hoping that is just water retention from the food yesterday and that deep down there really was a loss. Right now, I am completely off track to hit my 10 pound loss by Aug 3rd. I am struggling.

Then Aubrey has a follow up apt with the pediatric dentist from where she busted her two front teeth. They are now infected and she has to be put on a stronger antibiotic and he has reccommended that she have them removed. She isn't even 2 :(

I have another chiro apt today and the kids are supposed to have their pictures taken tonight (outside) but the sky is looking like rain so with the string of luck I have had today, I'd say a thunderstorm is on it's way.

I really need a do-over...

CAUTION Curvy Bones Ahead

Well I have officially hit my first out of my control speed bump in my journey. I had my first chiropractor apt today. I have had trouble with my back since I had Avery in 2006. They hit a nerve trying to put the epidural in and my back hasn't been the same since then. Fast forward to 2009 when I went in to have Aubrey, they hit a nerve FOUR times. It was terrible. It felt like lightning entering my head and shooting out my left leg. What I thought was back pain before, turned into SEVERE pain almost on a constant basis.

So I decided in my quest for health, that I should start seeing a chiropractor in hopes that it would help ease some of my pain. I went in, did the normal Q & A, and then she took me in for 4 x-rays. While the xrays were developing, I had electrode and ultrasound therapy on my back. It wasn't too bad. After that was over, I was waiting on the Dr. to come in with the xrays and to do her adjustment.

WELL.....needless to say I wasn't expecting what I found out. As soon as she opens the door, she looks and me and says "WOW". Hmm, that can't be good. She proceeds to put up an xray that can only be describes as disturbing. She didn't even have to tell me what I was looking at. I could see that my back bone started at my tailbone and went up about 3 to 4 inches and then SHOT OUT to the right. I got this sick feeling in my stomach. From the way she was talking I could tell this wasn't good. She said I have severe scoliosis. She didn't say it was the worst she had ever seen, but by her reaction I would say it is a safe bet I'm in her top 10. She said that the reason they had such a hard time doing my epidurals is that my back wasn't where it was supposed to be, which now makes perfect sense.

She also said that because my ankles turn inward, that I need to be fit for shoe inserts that will help take the strain off my back. Those are gonna look HAWT in a pair of heels someday, huh? So she wants to see my back 3 times this week for adjustments and I can't exercise for a WEEK!!!! Boo hoo!!! This really ticked me off because I just got started on the 30 day shred and had only made it to day 3 and now I have to stop until she gets my back adjusted some more. Oh that reminds me, I haven't told you about that part yet...

So she told me she was going to adjust my lower back and asked me if I have heard the sound that it makes when people pop their knuckles. She said it would sound like that. I guess I was so focused on what it would SOUND like that I wasn't even thinking about how it would FEEL. She pushes down on my back and I scream out "Oh my God!!" I was so embarrassed but she just laughed. Said it happens all the time. I felt immediate relief in my back and in a weird way can't wait to go back tomorrow because I know I will only continue to feel better with each visit.

The bad news is I am out of exercise for a week, the good news is at least I know what is wrong. I now know to be aware of this situation in my kids and can have them checked on a regular basis in hopes of preventing this from happening to them.

She did say I could walk so I guess the treadmill and I are going to become good friends this week :( I'm not so happy about that.

Motivation and a Good Breakfast

I wanted to share with you a couple things this morning. First, I had the best oatmeal in the world today for breakfast and I wanted to share the recipe. However, before I share that, I need to share with you how I found the recipe.

The other night I was messing around on myfitnesspal.com (mfp) and I stumbled onto a post from a woman named Raeanne. Her profile picture was enough to make my mouth drop.



She is my age, a middle school teacher, and reading her story just connected with me in so many ways. We have since connected and she has been a huge inspiration to me even in this short amount of time. She has a blog http://payfitforward.net/ that you should DEFINATELY check out at some point.

On to the oatmeal, I had been searching for a more filling healthy option for breakfast instead of just cereal when I saw Rae's video on how she makes her oatmeal. It looks yummy so I tried it this morning and it was awesome. I added one tablespoon of Wal-Mart All Natural Peanut Butter to mine and I ended up with a bowl of peanut butter r cup oatmeal for 245 calories!!! Here is the video of her making the oatmeal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=926uCeNJwL8&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

You can add in to your oatmeal whatever you like, I was just feeling the pb/choc thing this morning.

Hope you all have an active and enjoyable day!!!!